No Time to Cry

Manhattan Beach

Los Angeles

Palm Springs

Well I’m leaving this beautiful, wonderful, artificial state tomorrow and I’m not really sure what I’m feeling. I’ve been critical of California my whole life and now that I’m leaving I’m not sure if I’m making the right choice. I love the weather. I love the scenery. I love the people. Where else can you find stable 70-80 degree temperature YEAR-ROUND, hundreds of miles of coast line, and liberal-minded people? Maybe a place like that does exist, but that’s certainly not where I’m moving to. No, I’m moving to Washington DC, cold weather, cold people, and sterile landscape. I know that my future lies somewhere other than California. But being born in Hollywood, raised in Palm Springs, and going to college at UCLA, I’ve spent most of my life right here in southern California - which is really unlike any other geographical location. It’s kind of like being on a permanent vacation here. And I want to leave?
I guess everyone needs to grow up at some point. And for me, growing up entails leaving this place behind. It’s not that I’m trying to run away from anything. It’s more like I need to go away to find something. A treasure of some sort. I will always have the memories and experiences of this place with me, which I can thank for my strong beliefs in multiculturalism, liberalism, and tolerance. So I’m treating this departure as a mission. The world needs more of these values and I’m going to teach them. The modern age of globalization requires a strong disposition towards tolerance for diversity. And I feel like I’m a good candidate to show others that. But is it my responsibility? And more importantly, will I be happy at this post?
This is what I’m currently battling. What if I’m just full of myself and taking on a much bigger challenge than I’m suited for. Or worse yet, what if I succeed, but I’m unhappy? That’s something that no one can predict. Which is why I’m not completely devastated about leaving, I’m just apprehensive. Failure is in the back of my mind. Failing others is something I don’t like doing. But what if I fail myself by not caring for my own happiness?
I’m probably overanalyzing all of this. But I’m justified because my plane leaves in exactly 24 hours and it’s better to be confronting these fears now than when I’m there. Because once I’m there, there’ll be no time for worries. No time to cry.
Is there really an appropriate time for everything? Do things happen regardless of whether you want them to or not? Bottom line: is there fate and if so, how prevalent is it in our lives? I am a strong believer in the freedom of choice, meaning I think we do have control over many things in life – above all our own attitude. But I am equally convinced that some things are unavoidable and can’t be simply attributed to coincidence. It’s knowing what things are meant to be and what things you have control over that’s important. Because once you know them, you can have more control when you need to apply it and let go when it’s useless. Right now I think I need to let go. But man it’s hard to do.