Self-Hatred

Most of our lives we are looking for recognition, praise, and esteem. Usually from others. Whether it’s our family, friends, lovers, or particular audience, the choices we make regarding our careers, our property, our activities, all have something to do with how we want people to perceive us. Think about how empty you feel when you DON’T receive the signs of approval. It makes you think that you did something wrong, or that you’re failing.

So we are always getting newer clothes to go with the fashion, better cars to show off, work harder at work to impress others and so on to continuously receive assurance and recognition from others. Peer support builds esteem, that you are doing the right thing, that you are successful.

However, here’s the problem: assurances and recognition of one’s worth coming from the outside need to come all the time because they aren’t coming from within. Most of us lack a deep appreciation of ourselves and need constant reassurance to believe that we are beautifully complicated and worth loving.

Self-esteem is, in fact, a prerequisite for growth. The problem with most people is not that they think too much of themselves; it is that they think too little. There are many of us who actively dislike ourselves and spend days, even a lifetime, wishing we were someone else more likable. How we destroy ourselves in self-hatred! How we turn ourselves upside down, inside out, in desperate attempts to make ourselves OK to others! Nothing works except being OK to oneself and a conscious decision to become your own best friend.

To give you a religious perspective on this, the greatest sin in the three monotheistic religions is ingratitude to the many gifts of God. There can be no gratitude if there is no acknowledgement, and there can be no acknowledgement if there is no self-esteem. We have to be aware of the many fine qualities that we have been imbued with. A refusal to do so, even under the garb of humility or modesty, is tantamount to a denial of the blessing of God. How often do we recognize the wonderful gifts that others have and yet deny our own? How many times do we praise others for their kindness and yet remain blind to what we show others? Recognition of the gifts in our lives, of our talents and the miracles we perform, is a precondition for giving thanks to God.

The Commandment to “Love your neighbor as yourself” presupposes that you love yourself. If you go around feeling worthless or undeserving, then how can you desire love and kindness for others? Similarly in Islam there is a Hadith where the Prophet said “None of you truly believe until you love for your fellow what you love for yourself.” Again, one must love themselves in order to love others.

But what about pride? Shouldn’t we be worried about the same Christian teachings that instruct us that pride is one of the seven deadly sins and the Islamic teaching that no person with one iota of pride shall enter Paradise? If one is to acknowledge that one gets along well with people, or that one is a really good teacher, or has a beautiful face, is this not pride that is condemned by God?

No. Self-esteem is the respect that we have for ourselves because of who we are, together with an acknowledgement that this is from God. Pride is having an arrogant attitude towards others; meaning one is a somebody because they regard the other person to be a nobody.

Self-esteem is an affirmation of the self because “I am” and not because “you are not”. Indeed, “you are not and therefore I am” is the opposite of self-esteem as Eric Fromm explains in Escape from Freedom:

Selfishness is not identical with self-esteem, but its very opposite. Selfishness is a kind of greediness. Like all greediness, it contains an insatiability, as a bottomless pit which exhausts the person in an endless effort to satisfy the need without ever reaching satisfaction…This person is basically not fond of him[her]self at all, but deeply dislikes him[her]self. Selfishness is rooted in this very lack of fondness of oneself.

I am chosen because I am chosen, not because you are not. There is only one me; no one else has ever come into this world or will ever come into it that is an exact replica of me. My characteristics, my features, my experiences, are all uniquely mine. This is truly a manifestation of God. I am unique and so are you.

We must, therefore, cherish our bodies and the challenges that confront us. We must be honest with ourselves and others to build our self-esteem. The more we accept ourselves, the more we are liberated from doubt about whether others will approve of and accept us. To conclude, I will leave you with the words of Thomas Harris who says in I’m OK, You’re OK: “The feeling of being OK doesn’t mean that I have overcome all my inadequacies. It only means that I refuse to be paralyzed by them.”=