But Home is Nowhere

I really hate to interrupt the 3 part (or perhaps 4 part) series with a topic that is completely off the subject, but I feel that if I postpone writing this any longer then it will lose some of its luster and be completely irrelevant in a couple of months.

I’ve made another major decision in my life. I am dropping out of graduate school and moving home to California. There are many reasons for this, so bear with me as I try to explain it the best I can.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved what I was studying: Muslim-Christian relations. I loved my professors and Georgetown University. It was everything I thought it would be and better. I loved the opportunity to see people like Noam Chomsky speak on a random weekday or attending conferences about spirituality in martial arts. The body of knowledge here in DC is certainly vast and holds a high watermark to any other American city. During this semester, I learned what it is to be an intellectual. However, I also learned that a career in this field isn’t the most important thing in my life. Not by far.

Actually, I would love a career in this field, just not at the expense of something more important to me. And that is a home. That’s right, I said it: home. I’ve never had one. As long as I have lived the question of a home has always nagged me (as evidenced by my numerous blogs about identity, past etc). My whole family was born in Hungary and I was the only one born here, yet raised as a Hungarian so I never felt American. Also, I was born and raised in California which is a place often perceived as a constructed reality for its lack of history. Therefore, I never had roots to look back to. If I did they went back to another country which I’ve never lived in (although I do visit). Either way, the concept of a home was distorted for me and something that I perceived as unavailable for someone like me.

But coming here to DC, I realized that I do have a home in California and that it is important. It’s important because the family and friends I have there give me energy, vitality, life force, motivation, and inspiration and these are simply irreplaceable. Sure someone can move away from their home and pursue a career that makes them happy and even find new friends, but they can never replace the old ones. Furthermore, these “old” friends of mine are the most genuine, loving people who KNOW me and my history. For someone like me who has struggled so much trying to find a home, these people represent the bricks of my home. And being here I found out what a luxury home I really have back in California.

Two years in DC wouldn’t be a problem (the time it takes to get a masters degree). The problem is once I get the degree, I would only get a job here in DC or somewhere abroad. In California, the degree is utterly useless. I tried looking for jobs, and they just don’t exist for this degree. Therefore, I can either spend another year and a half and move back to CA and not use the degree, or I can move back now and change careers to something more employable in California.

I learned that just because you like something, you don’t need to make a career out of it. I love hip hop, but I’m not going to become a DJ. I love playing hockey, but I’m not going to do it professionally. Therefore, I will continue learning about the different ways religion plays in our lives as a hobby and not become an academic. I’ve learned that as soon as you do anything as a profession, it gets corrupted and academics are no less so. I love learning, I would hate for it to be corrupted for me.

I will be on a plane in less than 40 hours and will be picked up from the airport by Fred and Cristina, the two people who are the nearest to my heart because they understand me better than anyone. It’s funny, they’ve never even met each other and don’t even know what each other look like and they will be doing so for the first time as I step off the plane. However, you don’t always need to meet people to know them. I imagine the moment will be quite magical and I’m very excited for it.

All in all, I view this failure as a success. It was a spiritual journey. I ascended the mountain and now its time to go back down. I’m not sorry for having come here at all. After all, I would’ve never learned what a home actually means to me. As long as I lived in California, I always wanted to leave. This lesson might be petty to some, but to me this is the boulder upon which I can assuredly build my new house.